Suicide is Painless…IN WHAT WORLD???


I will never understand the utter desolation, despair, anguish, fear, shame or whatever it is that it takes to actually drive someone to that place of final acceptance of knowing they are going to take their own life.  And then to actually carry it out.  Oh there have been times I have struggled with feeling “blue” or even mildly depressed but there has never been a time I thought I wanted to end it all.  There has never been a moment that I didn’t know that this “feeling” was just fleeting.  Sometimes I feel that person is the most selfish, self-centered person in the world.  Because if you think about it they certainly were not thinking how their awful self-inflicted murder would affect their loved ones and they obviously were not thinking of the …  “who’s going to find me?” aspect.    This is a pretty graphic and burdensome thing to carry for a loved one.  I have been wishy washy because of the pain and my anger towards my own family members who have taken their life but I have come to the conclusion that most people who do this are so deep in depression they can’t see anything else but their own problems, pain, illness that they can find no other options, no other way out.  So deep down I know it’s not selfish, it’s a sickness that needs to be treated.

The first time I had any real connection to suicide was when I first became a Paramedic.  We were called to a Possible Suicide.  It was my first time dealing with a suicide and my first time dealing with the grieving family of a suicide.  It wasn’t a normal grieving family over a “regular” death like a heart attack, this I’ve seen, this I’ve dealt with.  Oh no, this was much different, much worse.  We had just found their father, husband, grandpa, friend with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  But what really got me was when we found his slumped-over body on his knees, he was grasping his rosary.  At the time I wasn’t quite  “with God” yet.   I couldn’t understand why this man who had this huge seemingly loving family, who had been out looking for him and was now so very indescribably distraught and inconsolable would do something like this.  This man who seemingly had a faith to grasp onto and cry out to, even unto death.  It haunted me in my dreams picturing this man on his knees crying out and praying to God right before he shot himself.  At what point do you stop talking to God and just do it?  It haunted me for a long time and this wasn’t even my family.  We didn’t know these people from Adam.  My partner was an Evangelical type Christian and he was going around praying with and trying to console the family and really doing an amazing job helping them in their grieving process, even if they didn’t realize it then.  I just felt so awkward and useless.

This family had a little something my family didn’t.   A little something that might have helped with the grieving process if only the slightest bit.  That little something was a note.  An answer.  A reason from their father, husband, friend on why he felt he couldn’t go on anymore.  If only a selfish one, at least they had something.  Most people don’t even get to have that much.  The rest of us just have our wild imaginations to run with.  They will never know how much that little bit can keep someone from going over the edge with all the questions WHY.  The forever asked question WHY, but never answered.

When my Uncle Ben killed himself it was a terrible tragedy that this family has still not gotten over.  The grief that his self-inflicted murder sent through this family was like shock waves with after shocks and after shocks, never knowing when the tidal wave of crazy is going to come crashing down.  Then, as if one suicide in the family isn’t bad enough my Uncle Lynn killed himself the same way his brother Ben did.  These deaths were years apart but they may have well have been only days.  Suicide never goes away.  Both these men left behind devastated children, significant others, sisters, cousins, a Dad, the list goes on.   Family who’s lives have been altered forever.  Fractured.

I don’t have many words of wisdom about how to get over something like this because my family is still such a tattered mess.  However we are a family of Faith in the Christian God.  I won’t lie though this has shaken some of the strongest Christians in my family but I see God working in the lives and deaths of this family.  That is the only way I know how to cope.

This is a permanent, life-ending end.  All you kids, young adults in school who are thinking or have thought about suicide…please tell a friend, teacher, neighbor, MOM or DAD or SIBLING, OR ME.   Point is TELL SOMEONE how you’re feeling.  There is more to this life than what you are going through right now at this moment.  Whether its sex, drugs/alcohol, pregnancy, sickness, divorce, abuse, breakups, bad grades, things get better, things change, this is just a small minute compared to the rest of your life.

I get a physical sick feeling in my stomach when I hear of another suicide anywhere let alone our county.   God please bring comfort to those who have lost loved ones to depression and help those who are dealing with it now and help them to have enough strength and courage to come forward and get the help they so deserve and need.  Amen.

God Bless,


Please seek help if you are contemplating suicide.

Illinois Suicide & Crisis Hotlines

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


Missouri Senate Bill 54: “Facebook Law”


OK.  So, have you all heard by now about the  SenateBill54 in Missouri, signed by the Governor on 7-14-11?  It basically says that all educators effective Aug. 28th can no longer be friends with their students on any social media websites.  Past or present students of the teacher, as long as the student is 18 years of age and under.   It says some other things too but this is the gist of it.  I am totally in favor of protecting our kids and I understand the need to do so ( at the appropriate times) but, is this going to far?  I mean if you don’t trust your kids teacher enough to be their “friend” on Facebook then I think they shouldn’t have ANY contact with your child at all.  I think definitely schools should have their own guidelines concerning the social media and their teaching staff but to actually make it against the law to befriend a student on FB??  This is one of those areas where I think THE PARENTS should be 100% involved in their child’s life.  We are so quick to put the blame and responsibility on someone and somewhere else.  These are our children, pay attention!!  It’s like the old saying, ” It’s 10 o’clock, do you know where your kids are?”  Well now-a-days its Facebook, MySpace, Chatrooms, etc., ” Do you know who your kids are talking to and friends with online?”  If you have kids and they have a computer or a smart phone, iPad, Nook, Kindle, whatever fancy electronic toy it is, chances are it has WiFi and they are getting online whether you know it or not.  My point is if you don’t know who your kids are talking to or what they are doing online, or what they are doing anywhere for that matter, then that is where the problem lies, not with the teachers.  Most of our teachers are wonderful educators doing a great job with our kids in sometimes less than ideal conditions, and for crappy pay.

This seems like a no brainer to me.  Parents, know what your kids are doing and who they are friends with.  Do not let them have a social media site that you do not have access to.  Know the passwords.  Have your computer in the main room of the house so you can see what they are doing.  Have a time limit.  Password protect your computer so only you know it.  And one of the easiest and my personal favorite is open communication.  Keep the lines open.  Common sense stuff.

I would like to borrow this quote from this great blog at by Katie Carroll.  She says ” We have to take that extra step mentally to remind ourselves that not all Muslims are terrorist extremists, not all Southern pastors are irresponsible book-burners, and not all priests are a disgrace to their vows.”  Well, I would add to that and say not all teachers are sexual predators.

All that being said, I think if I was a teacher, I would have to draw the line at my personal web page not letting the kids I teach into that world.  Mostly because of the judgmental and sue-happy place this world has become.  Plus you know occasionally I like to let the expletives fly and I would hate to have to watch my mouth all the time.  😉  Just kidding, seriously though I wouldn’t want them in my world 24/7.    It’s like the good advice I learned the hard way, not to friend people you work with, it can really bite you in the butt.   Same in this situation.

Other questions about this…What about the many youth group leaders who are friends with and keep in contact with their YG  through social media?  Also the teacher/parent, are they exempt from being labeled a sexual predator if they are friends with family/own kids?  What are your thoughts?   In Missouri now, is it headed to Illinois?  Is it really that big of a deal?




Edit on 9/7/11

Wisconsin woman suing lover for allegedly giving her herpes.

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I really don’t have much to say about this one it’s painfully self-explanatory.     I’m verclempt…discuss.


Atheist Group Wants WTC Cross Removed

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I am really growing tired of these atheist groups.

“Equality is an all-or-nothing deal,” Silverman, the president of the atheists, said in a statement.

Apparently he only means this only for atheists, I don’t think he really believes that statement when it applies to anything Christian.  It may sound good when you’re spouting it for your own agenda but it doesn’t apply to Christianity, does it?  You want to be equally represented?  How can that be when your belief is in NOTHING.  What would you have stand in representation of your beliefs, a big  of nothingness?

You can sit it right next to our CROSS of FAITH and HOPE   .


Really the point of the museum is to accurately remember all those who died and to have a little piece of history preserved.  To help those of us who were left behind find some comfort.  That cross was not constructed specifically for the museum.  It was the only thing left standing in the rubble after the attacks, I could say it was happenstance,  But I don’t believe in coincidence, not on a level such as this.  It gave hope to millions and it is as much a part of the towers as the almost 3000 people who died there that day.  It’s a part of our history and it belongs in that museum.   In this case it isn’t even about the Christian faith.  It is about the hope that the symbol gave to all those people during a time when all hope seemed lost.

If it offends you as an atheist to even look at a cross then may I suggest just one simple thing….. DON’T LOOK!!!





Tomb of St. Philip the Apostle discovered in Turkey’s Denizli

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Can you Imagine?  An original follower of Jesus, one of the 12.  I just think that is amazing.  I don’t need this evidence or proof but some people do, even believers.   I think of these amazing finds as little “extra” gifts from God, (as if he hasn’t given enough) to show us yes you are right in choosing me, I AM, and you are my child.